Celeste

Celeste is a video game that reminded me how versatile this medium has become. From the days of mindless Tetris to a point where developers are using the medium to give the players experiences they may otherwise have never had.And sometimes to send a message.

Celeste is one such game.

You play as Madeline, a young woman who is hell bent on climbing Celeste Mountain. You don’t know why. And neither does she. All she knows is that she has to do it. And so we begin to platform our way up this daunting landscape. On the way we meet a lady, who seems to have lost her marbles. She says that Celeste Mountain is no ordinary mountain and that there are things that we may not be ready to see. Madeline quickly dismisses her and leaves her behind, the old lady’s cackling laughter still ringing in her ears. As we progress up the mountain we learn new gameplay mechanics. But the whole premise of the gameplay is built on two things: a jump and an air dash. It might sound simple, but the game pushes these two abilities to the breaking point. New obstacles are introduced in each level, allowing for more creative use of these abilities and hence a higher difficulty level. And yes. This game is difficult. But more about that later.

Madeline soon meets a fellow climber named Theo. He’s here to see some of the city ruins, and hopefully click a few good pictures for his “InstaPix” account. But it’s evident there is more to his character than is being revealed at the moment. Theo is impressed that Madeline wants to reach the summit and cheers her on but she is still a bit cold towards Theo. She isn’t fond of social interaction and seems very unsure of herself. They decide to meet up later as we continue on to the next level.

This is where the game starts to get interesting. Madeline comes across a mirror during her exploration. As she looks into it, she sees a dark image. Suddenly, the mirror shatters and whatever was hiding in the mirror escapes. Madeline follows it only to find out that is herself. A dark version of her. One that is full of her fears, angers, insecurities. The part of her that questions her very reason for climbing this mountain. Dark Madeline mocks us for even thinking that we could climb this mountain. We’ve had no training and we’ve never accomplished anything in our lives. We should just turn back. Forget about it.

You can’t do it.

It’s impossible.

I’ve told myself these things many times over the course of my life. It’s frustrating. To be filled with this disgusting mix of empathy and self-loathing. To think you’re not good enough. That you’re worthless. That you won’t amount to anything. And that’s when this game became personal for me. I saw myself in Madeline. I’m sure we all do to some extent.

Madeline has her own demons that she has to face, personified here as Dark Madeline. At first Madeline runs away from it, desperately trying to refuse the fact that it is a part of her. But obviously, that only makes things worse. Dark Madeline begins to chase us through the level and it’s here that the gameplay really begins to shine. All this time I had been taking it slow and steady, planning how to proceed, carefully crafting my path, and even then barely getting by. When I saw her chasing me I screamed in panic. Suddenly I was blazing through the level, trying to dodge bullets, comprehend the level design, and stay away from Dark Madeline all at the same time. I was having a literal panic attack. Probably what Madeline was feeling at that moment too. Which is why it stuck out to me. Everything about this part of the level indicated that Madeline was going through the exact same feeling I was while playing it, probably to a more severe extreme though. Her breathing becomes ragged. The music picks up sinister overtones. The colour palette shifts from bright and vibrant to dark and brooding. All the while, I just want it to stop. and it does after what seems like forever. Dark Madeline stops chasing us, leaving us with a reminder that she is a part of us and that there’s no use running.

You can’t run away from yourself.

We move on to the next level where we find the majestic Celeste Hotel. Except it’s not exactly majestic anymore. Run by Mr. Oshiro, a ghost who doesn’t realize he’s a ghost, the hotel has fallen into decay. Feeling sorry for Oshiro, Madeline decides to help out. Along the way, we meet Theo, who warns us that he has a bad feeling about the place and that we should leave. Madeline decides to stay though and cleans up the mess. Oshiro thanks her and asks if she would like to stay in the Presidential Suite for the night. Madeline is clearly fed up with Oshiro but is too polite to refuse. They reach the suite and Madeline finds out that it’s in terrible condition. Madeline’s had enough and asks where the exit, but Oshiro still pleads with her to stay. Suddenly Dark Madeline appears and begins to shout at Mr. Oshiro.

“Madeline doesn’t care about you. She just wants to leave this wretched place. Who would want to stay here? She only helped you in order to feel good about herself.”

Madeline tries to refute all of it but the damage has been done. Mr. Oshiro turns into the dark version of himself and once again we’re chased across the level. Everyone has their own demons. Something they try to hide from others. And that was true for Oshiro as well. Madeline continues to struggle with the other side of her, but it’s a struggle that we can relate to. No one is liked by everyone. And sometimes we’re not liked by anyone. We put on a mask, hiding our true self in order to be accepted by society. We project how we want to be perceived by others, even if it may not be what we actually are. And when the mask comes off, things can go to shit. The same goes for Madeline. We once again escape and continue to the next level.

The game continues to build on this internal battle between Madeline and the side which she is ashamed of. All the while the game continued to become more difficult. I raged. I swore. There were points where I could not fathom how to proceed. I wanted to stop. Quit. I didn’t have to play this game. I played games to have fun. And I clearly wasn’t having fun anymore.

So why couldn’t I stop?

Why did I keep going back?

It’s because the game was about Madeline. Not me. I could not bring myself to stop because that would mean Madeline stops. She would never reach the summit. She would never get her redemption, which I couldn’t bear the thought of. I have never been so personally invested in a character’s self conflict that I forced myself to play the game. Every section I cleared I could feel Madeline’s confidence growing, and so mine did as well. I was climbing the mountain with Madeline.

We once again meet Theo who by now has become a good friend. We talk about our families and what drove them to climb this mountain. Theo’s reason is completely different from that of Madeline’s but in a way similar, in the fact that he was trying to find himself. Theo wasn’t happy at his job and so one day he stopped, hopped on a bus and wound up in the middle of nowhere. Which happened to be near Celeste Mountain. Theo’s grandfather had told him stories about the mountain and how it had changed him and Theo was hoping it would do the same for him. It’s a very quaint moment. Two humans sitting around the fire, talking about life and sharing stories, as the stars twinkle in the night sky.

But of course, it can’t last.

The power of Celeste Mountain is that it physically manifests the negative emotions that we try to hide from others and ourselves. Dark Madeline appears and breaks the ground and we fall, and with it my heart. Madeline had tried to talk to her but come to a wrong conclusion as to why Dark Madeline exists. She tried to banish her from her consciousness and due to this grave misunderstanding has hit rock bottom. We fall for a long time. I can see the levels that I had painstakingly climbed up, and all I feel is anguish. We land in a body of water, but the damage has been done. Somehow the old lady is here, and she’s still laughing at us. Madeline finally admits that she can’t climb the mountain and that she should have listened to Dark Madeline. The old lady then says that maybe she should try talking to Dark Madeline. After all, Madeline is probably the person who knows her best. They both need to come to an accord. Somehow obtain closure. Otherwise there would be no point moving forward. Which rings very true in real life as well. We need to face this part of ourselves if we want to acknowledge it. People will argue that depression isn’t something that they can control. That it’s a psychological mental disorder and so there’s nothing you can do about it. But that doesn’t relieve you of the responsibility to try.

Madeline goes to face Dark Madeline one last time. Dark Madeline is shocked by this new found confidence of hers and begins to run away. Oh how the tables have turned. Madeline is on the offensive and the gameplay is testimony to that. We attack Dark Madeline over and over again. The game is still difficult, but it’s rewarding now as well. It’s difficult because it’s the first step in understanding oneself better. As you face your fears, the veil that had covered your eyes slowly falls away as well. The dark depressing world that you thought was out to kill you was just a figment of your imagination. Your unsure self playing mind games with you. With every hit, the darkness fades away and finally, Madeline breaks free from the darkness she had bound herself in.

Dark Madeline says that she just wanted what was best for her and thought that if Madeline couldn’t reach the summit, it would do even more damage to her self esteem. Which I can relate to. We all have that voice in the back of our head that questions every act we do. We begin to second guess our self and that’s the beginning of a long and dark rabbit hole. But then, you can’t run away from it either. It’s a part of you after all. You have to face it. Accept it and move on.

We all struggle to find our true selves and it’s for that very reason Madeline came to Celeste Mountain. She had to prove something to herself. And so, with Dark Madeline’s help, we begin the climb once again. It’s arduous. It’s grueling. But it’s satisfying. The music only helps. Finally, we see the summit and a chequered flag numbered 30. And then I realize, it’s the home stretch. The music reaches a crescendo and I’m once again invigorated. Everything that Madeline had been through was worth it. That feeling of satisfaction seeing the numbers dwindle down from 30 to 1. It truly was a tale of self redemption for Madeline.

And finally, we were there.

At the summit.

Nothing is more satisfying than conquering something that you thought was unconquerable. And Madeline had finally conquered her biggest enemy: herself.

We all have doubts. We all have fears. And sometimes we let these things control us. Even after reconciling with Dark Madeline, she still has doubts. But it gets better overtime and that’s the real beauty of this game. It took something that was inside all of us and made it real.

Celeste is a game that personally resonated with me because of that. I could understand the way Madeline felt because I had felt like that before. I empathized with her because I knew what a dark place one’s own mind can be. It’s the same reason I stuck with her even when we had lost all that progress. Life isn’t just an upward spiral. There will be ups and there will be downs. But we all have the power to climb out of the ruts we find ourselves in. We all have our own mountains to conquer, our own summits to reach. But it’s not the mountain or the summit that matters.

It’s the climb.

#writing #Narrative #depression #mentalhealth #gaming #videogames #analysis #story