A Retrospective Of The Self

The darkness is a scary thing. After all, the fear of the unknown begets fear itself. And what else is there to fear other than fear itself? Everything else becomes trivial, almost inconsequential when the darkness envelops you. But there is something far more sinister than the darkness itself.

The people who embrace it.

They are the ones to watch out for.

The door is still closed.

The man woke up to the sound of faint nibbling. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, his vision still blurry. The nibbling grew louder. He looked around for the source of the noise until he found the cause in the corner of the room. A rat was eating the remains of his meager lunch. He sighed and got up. The bed creaked quietly. The man winced at the sound. He hoped that it wouldn’t wake up the guards. Fortunately, the guard outside his cell was still snoring, probably drunk from his latest outing. As the man approached the rat, it scurried away through the bars, out of reach.

Out of his control.

The man hated it when things weren’t in his control. Isn’t a god supposed to be in control of everything?

Suddenly, he heard snoring. But how? Wasn’t he the only one in this cell? Yet there was no mistaking it. He turned around and there he lay. The other.

The man’s eyes widened. ” You…”, he whispered.

The root of all his troubles. The reason he was stuck here, rotting in this cell, lay in front of him, sleeping peacefully. The sight of it made him go blind with rage. He clenched his fists.

The man nudged him with his foot. He woke up with a startle but that’s all he got out. He punched him in the face hard. Blood spurt from his nose. But he didn’t stop. He hit him again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

The man was making sobbing noises. He would wake the guards up for sure. The man looked for a way to make him shut up. It was then that he noticed that there was something different about the cell.

There was another door. It was a simple door. No fancy engravings. Just a door.

A door to somewhere.

The man dragged the other to the door and opened it. A rush of cold air blew past him. He couldn’t see anything. No floor. No ceiling. Just darkness.

The man smiled. With a sadistic laugh, he entered the room, the other in tow.

The door closed behind them. ————————————————————————————————————————— Timor Vendreti stood at the side of the stage, his hands tucked in to his pockets, the epitome of coolness. At least that’s what most people would think on first glance. To be completely truthful, his hands were shaking. He had never been in front of a crowd this big before and the auditorium was packed to the rafters today. The world around him seemed to fade away from him, getting more quiet. He scanned the room for his parents, but he couldn’t see them. His heart sank. But then, they had never come for these things anyway. His world zoomed back into focus as he got over it.

“And the award for the best overall student goes to…..”

Timor stepped into the spotlight for the first time in his life. As he walked on stage to recieve the award he could feel his chest swelling with pride, his anxiety forgotten. The feeling of success…it was like no other. It was infectious. He had always known he was smart, but had never really applied himself. Timor wanted more. Success. Fame. Glory. He wanted more. Timor stood in front of the podium, adrenaline flowing through his veins as he stared into the crowd. He couldn’t see any of the faces, but then it didn’t really matter. Something inside him clicked. The pieces to his life had been scattered around, but they were slowly starting to fit together…piece by piece.

” Since I was a kid, I’ve never really had any ambitions or dreams. Most kids wanted to be an astronaut or a teacher, but for me, life was a drag. I had no purpose, and I didn’t want one. But they say with time comes realization. Once you taste success for the first time, there’s no going back. I’m going to work harder than ever now. It feels great to have a dream and for me, my journey has just begun.”

He could see it. Finally. The puzzle was complete.

He could see the bigger picture.

Timor exited the stage to the sound of roaring applause, but he couldn’t hear it.

The door is still closed.

Timor opened the door to his house with the key his mother had gave him. They usually weren’t home by the time school let out. Busy making a name for themselves. He could understand that now.

What he couldn’t understand is why his parents were already home, apparently waiting for him.

Timor walked in, looking confused. ” Why are you guys both here? Don’t you …”, he couldn’t finish his sentence because his mother did something she hadn’t done in ten years.

She hugged him. “Well done.” Timor’s eyes filled up with tears. He looked at his dad, who simply nodded. ” We always knew you were meant for great things. After all, you are our son”, he smiled.

That’s right. He was special. He was Timor Vendreti. The man that would change the world.

This was just confirmation of the fact he had already affirmed. His life had just begun.

The world was ahead.

Time waits for no one and two years had gone by in no time. Timor had gone from a quiet underachiever to one of the best students his school had ever seen. Of course, this was just Timor’s opinion. But then, it was only Timor’s opinion that ever really mattered. Who cared what those other people thought. After all, a lion did not concern itself with the opinion of the sheep. They could not see the world the way he did and he had a difficult time opening their eyes. He could hear them whispering behind his back, cursing him. Who did he think he was, talking to them like that? But Timor did not care. They would realize in the end who was right.

The auditorium was packed to the rafters. But this didn’t faze Timor in the slightest. He had gotten used to it. His classmates, his teachers, everyone here. They were irrelevant to him now. A vaguely interesting sideshow on his march towards greatness. To stop there would only slow him down. Timor heard his name being announced as he got ready to get on stage.

Timor stepped into the spotlight for the umpteenth time in his life. He had lost count of all the awards he had won. But the feeling of jubilation never got old for him. Every time felt like the first. He stared into the audience. He could hear them muttering under their breath. Mean, nasty things. For a second, Timor felt a pang of annoyance. How dare they question his methods. But then he realized, they did not know any better. Humans have always been scared of the unknown. Something they could not identify was something they could not trust. History was full of such examples. He would have to tread carefully from now on. In order to lead them to a better future, he would have to earn their trust. Timor struggled with the thought of needing someone’s approval, but it was all for the greater good.

Greatness could only be obtained by those willing to seize it. And he would seize it.

By any means necessary.

The door began to quietly open.

The class bell rang. It was the end of another day. Timor quietly got up from his seat and left the bustling classroom. A paper airplane zoomed past his ear, but he took no notice. He always wondered why his classmates even bothered with university if all they wanted to do with their life was make paper airplanes. However, he could hardly fault them when their professors were exactly the same. Languid. Dull. Definitely not a figure of motivation.

For Timor, college had become a mere formality. A mandatory requirement in order for him to proceed with his dream. He called it a dream, but to him it was already set in stone. After all, who was there to stop him?

He gave a small chuckle at the very thought of it. Suddenly, he bumped into someone in front of him. Mildly annoyed, he straightened his glasses and looked at the obstruction.

A girl stood in front of him. Timor hadn’t had much experience with the opposite sex, but even he knew that this girl was stunning. She had bright red hair and her eyes were an innocent blue. She wore a tight purple blouse. A little too tight for Timor’s comfort.

” I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there. Let me help you up.”, she extended her hand towards him. For once in his life, Timor was speechless. Her hand was slender, and yet, they felt firm. Determined. Something he hadn’t seen in other people for a long time. He looked up into her eyes and smiled, ” Thank you.” He clasped her hand in his.

People who tend to change the world take every opportunity that comes their way. Timor was no different.

The door slowly began to creak open.

Lily Anguini and Timor Vendreti had been dating for two years. And it was during these two years that Timor accomplished the most. Lily supported him in everything that he did. She saw the potential that Timor. Wouldn’t it be a shame if that potential was wasted? So she did everything Timor asked of her. She came from a rich family, and so convinced her father to fund his projects. But it wasn’t just that she wanted to support him in his endeavors. She enjoyed being in Timor’s presence. He gave off a very dominating vibe and it turned her on. Timor Vendreti was the man of her dreams.

Timor looked at Lily while she was writing her thesis. She was biting her lip, an indication that she was thinking really hard. She really did look quite beautiful. The light gave her already red hair a fiery glow. But that didn’t mean much anymore to Timor. To him, she was just a means to an end. A tool to reach his goal. He would not let himself be distracted by the guile of a woman. But a man uses every tool at his disposal. Plus, it helped him keep up appearances.

Timor got up from the couch and stretched. It was time for him to head home. He opened the door and was just about to leave when Lily looked up from her paper. “Leaving so soon?”, she asked as she made a pouting face. “It’s half past nine. It’s time I’m off”, Timor said. ” It’s only half past nine you know.”, she said playfully. Timor could see the strap of her bra through her shirt. He started to sweat a little. ” What do you mean only half past…” ” C’mon. The night’s still young. And daddy won’t be coming home tonight.”, she got up from her desk and walked toward him. ” You are the smartest man I know, but I’m sure there are a few things I can still teach you.” Her hand caressed his face, and worked her way slowly down.

Timor grabbed her arm, his face red. He still wasn’t used to this side of her. She became unpredictable, and he hated when he couldn’t predict the outcome to an event. Lily looked at his face and burst out laughing.

“Maybe later. Good night Timor.”, she said as she walked back to her desk to finish her thesis.

“Ahh.. yes. Good night.”, Timor left, feeling disheveled.

The door closed behind him. Otherwise he would have been able to see a reflection of himself.

Possibly his greatest foe.

Talent and success don’t have to go hand in hand. Timor Vendreti learned this the hard way during his third year in college. Up till then he had been a model student. The epitome of perfection. Hadn’t he been? Or was he just delusional? No. Look at what he had accomplished. There’s no way that that was all just a fluke. But no matter what he told himself, that flicker of doubt never left him after the incident.

The auditorium was packed to the rafters, bustling with commotion. Not an uncommon sight to Timor Vendredi. Who wouldn’t want to see the feats of a God? The winner of the best thesis was to be announced shortly, and Timor was anxious with anticipation. Once his had been declared the best, there wouldn’t be a company who wouldn’t want him. Not with the revolutionary ideas he had hypothesized and proved in it. Next to him sat Lily, all the while holding his hand. Internally, he smiled a wicked grin. She had no idea. What a fool. In today’s world, there were two kinds of people, people who use others and the people who are used.

The director of the college now stood at the podium, shuffling the papers in his hands. The audience went quiet. Whispers and murmuring could be heard all around, filling the air with a slight buzzing sound.

The sound of excitement.

The award for best thesis was always one held in high prestige. High profile companies always swooped in to take the winner of this award, pretty much guaranteeing the winner a profitable and positive future. But Timor was aiming for so much more. Despite that, Timor wasn’t nervous. He was positive that he would win the award. I mean, who else could?

The director continued with his long monotonous speech, replete with the achievements of the students in the college, half of them Timor’s. Timor smirked. The college wouldn’t have become as famous as it is now if it hadn’t been for him. It was his achievements that brought the college into the spotlight. But never mind that. There were more pressing matters at hand. “And now to the most important event of the evening…the winner of the H.P. Kristoff Revolutionary Thesis Award.”, the director turned his head to survey the audience. The crowd became pitch silent. A silence that Timor would never forget.

“The winner of the H.P. Kristoff Revolutionary Thesis Award is…”, he paused for dramatic effect.

Timor was becoming impatient. Why couldn’t he just spit it out?

“Lily Anguini”.

Tumultuous applause broke out. But Timor did not hear it.

Lily Anguini.

Lily Anguini.

Lily Anguini.

He was drowning. He couldn’t breathe. Something was dragging him down. He could hear it. The muffled roar of a demon. He didn’t dare look. Timor struggled with all his might, but the monster would not let go. It tightened it’s grip and Timor screamed with agony. Water rushed into his mouth. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t breathe. But he could hear it. A sound of pure darkness. Timor screamed as the monster dragged him into the dark abyss.

“Are you okay?” A thin man was peering at him nervously.” You’re sweating quite a lot.

Maybe you should see the …”, Timor slapped his hand. The last thing he needed was pity from some petty peasant. He felt his face. It was covered in sweat.

Cold sweat.

He pushed his way through the crowd, tears blurring his view. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Just as Timor was about to exit the auditorium, he looked back, as if hoping everything that he had seen was just some lucid fantasy. On the podium Lily Anguini stood. She looked straight at Timor, and smiled. Timor didn’t look back after that.

The door flew open, revealing the darkness behind it.

————————————————————————————————————————— “I’m sorry, but there’s no place for you in our company” “We don’t want someone like you working for us” ” Frankly, your attitude disgusts me.” The list goes on. Rejection is one thing life had not taught him yet. The darkness began to spread.

————————————————————————————————————————— A year had passed since he graduated from college. And still there he lay. In his room, a complete wreck. What had gone wrong? What was he doing here? He got up and opened the shutters. A beautiful blue sky greeted him. He closed the shutters and went back to bed.

He was supposed to be out there, changing the world, shaping it, and yet here he lay, a heap of skin and bones. He could hear his mother calling him for lunch, but he duly ignored her. The last thing he need to see was her worrying face. The thought of it nearly made him vomit. He did not need sympathy. He was Timor Vendreti, the man that would……… his stomach grumbled loudly.

The man that would go downstairs and have lunch.

Timor lay in bed, listening to the sound of people bustling through the streets. The sound always depressed him. It was the sound of success. Something he had not been able to achieve. He got up and sat down near his computer. He opened Facebook but immediately regretted it. Pictures of his colleagues flashed before his eyes. New jobs. Promotions. Marriage. Kids. Everything he would never have. He quietly switched the computer off and went back to bed. He brought the blankets up to his face and curled himself into a ball.

Nobody could hear his sobs.

Timor had lost track of time. It had been weeks since he had left his house. But there was no where to go. Nobody to see. Nothing to achieve. The darkness was everlasting.

He was alone. He had become accustomed to that fact but the truth still hurt him. Nowadays his room seemed to be getting smaller, as if it was try to muffle out his own existence. He could hear his parents arguing downstairs.

“It’s high time we kicked him out. He’s twenty three for god sake!”, his dad roared. ” Calm down. He just needs some time. He’s been through a lot.”, his mother replied. But even she didn’t sound so sure.

It seemed like yesterday that they were telling him that he would go on to do great things. His eyes wandered to one of the drawers of his desk. Inside it lay a knife, one that he had taken from the kitchen during one of his more suicidal moods. He could hear it speaking to him, urging him to pick it up. There would be no one to miss him once he was gone. He was a nuisance to his parents, and an uninteresting plaything to Lily. The way Lily had tricked him still made his blood boil. Slowly Timor got up from the bed and approached the desk, hands quivering. He opened the drawer where the knife was, all the time wondering if he even had the guts to kill himself. Carefully he picked up the knife and held it to his wrist. Al he needed to do was one cut. One cut away from being free. One cut away from being rid of everything and everyone in his miserable life.

Just one cut away.

One cut.

He couldn’t do it. He was too scared. The knife slipped through his grip; he was sweating so much. He looked at the knife. But something was different. The knife was again speaking to him. But it was saying something different. His eyes opened wide. Yes. Yes. Yes! Why hadn’t he thought of it before? It was not his fault. It had never been his fault. Who had told him he was destined for great things? That he would change the world? They were the ones to blame. For blinding him to his own fallacies. For a split second, an image of his former self flashed through the darkness. He could get it all back. Everything he wanted and more. But there was something he needed to do first.

“He’s had more than enough time.,” he said, and started climbing up the stairs. Timor’s hands started to shake. He realized what he had to do. He wanted to run. To hide from the world that had caused him so much pain and suffering. But his place of solace had become his prison. His father smashed the door down and came in, his mother right behind him.

” Get out Timor.”, his dad said in a cold tone. Timor’s hands started shaking more than ever. The knife was hidden behind him. Any second he might drop it.

” For weeks I let you stay here, thinking that you would pull yourself together. That you would get your life back on track. But all you’ve done is use it as an excuse to wallow in your self pity.”, he looked at him with loathing.

” And to think that you are my son”

You were meant to do great things.

You are going to change the world.

Timor could still remember the smile on his father’s face when he had won his first award. Timor looked at his mother. Quickly, she looked away, as if she was scared at what he had become.

A disgrace to her name.

Timor started to laugh. A cold and cynical laugh. He understood perfectly. He had forgotten his philosophy. Do not bother with the opinion of the sheep. Of the lessers who you do not deem worthy. The darkness had engulfed him completely, taken control of him. Even his parents realized something was off. They looked at each other uncertainly. Their uncertainty only proved Timor’s point. He did not need the approval of two people. Two people who had proved that they only cared about themselves. He however, cared about every one. Timor. The name that everybody would remember as the prophet who saved them. It only took two slashes.

Blood was seeping through the carpet, staining it a vile red. Timor looked at his hands; they were as red as the carpet. Timor went to the bathroom and washed his hands and dried it off with a towel.

A sin that could not be washed away.

He went back to his desk and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. The bodies of his mother and father still lay behind him, discarded and forgotten.

Timor began to write.

Two weeks later, the police found the bodies. When they entered the room, the bodies had already started to decompose. Flies were hovering about and a smell that could only be described as death hung in the air. Thousands of papers lay in the room. On the floor. Covering the wall. Most of them stained with blood. Papers about new inventions. Papers about religion. Papers about government. Papers about society. All of them redefining or rethinking the idea of the word itself. Papers that if published, could throw the world into anarchy. There has always been an audience for radicalization. People who are willing to defy the norm as long as there is a man to lead them.

Amidst it all was Timor, still scribbling away, with a demented look in his eyes. When they took him away, he came quietly, only asking for a pen and paper.

Timor woke up from his uncomfortable slumber, groaning. He tried to open his eyes, but the glaring light forced him. He couldn’t make out anything yet. But he could hear footsteps. They were gradually getting closer.

“Where am I…”, he couldn’t finish his sentence due to the barrage of water that hit him.

Timor gasped for breath. The water was ice cold. His teeth started to chatter. He tried to make it stop but his attempts were futile. He was freezing but his eyes had finally adjusted to the light. He tried to turn around to look at his surroundings but couldn’t.

His hands and feet were cuffed to the chair he was in. It all came back to him.

He had been arrested.

A man wearing a dark black coat along with a black fedora sat down across the table. He took off his hat and placed it gently aside. His hair was also dark black, sleekly pulled back with gel. He must have been in his late twenties. The kind of man all the ladies would be after. He stared at Timor and Timor stared back. They held eye contact for a long time. Every second felt like a minute, every minute an hour.

Finally, it was Timor who looked away.

” I trust you know why you’re here?”, the man asked. However, Timor wasn’t going to give in that easily. After all, he was the man who would lead mankind to a golden future. Why should he respond to the demands of some underly…. ” It doesn’t matter now anyway”, he sighed. ” What matters is that you’re here now.” The man got up from his chair and started to pace back and forth. His eyes never left Timor though. ” I have one simple question. Answer truthfully and you can die painlessly. Tell me a lie and you can suffer forever.”

For the first time, Timor was afraid. He had never been afraid before. There was something about this man. It was unsettling. It was as if he already knew the answers to the questions he was going to ask.

He just wanted to hear him say it.

But as far as Timor was concerned, he hadn’t done anything wrong. Wasn’t it normal to remove people who were detrimental to society? Meaning anyone who opposed his views for the betterment of society was an enemy of it. A simple conclusion. One that he though anyone could come to. Timor looked at the man seated across him. He guessed that the man already knew his motive and just wanted to get a psychological advantage over him.

“Lily’s really made a name for herself”

Timor’s blood went cold. He hadn’t heard that name in a long time. And he didn’t want to. How did this man know of her? He was sure he had never met him before. The man seemed to think otherwise though. He gave him a smile.

” Now I’m sad. Don’t you even know your own classmates?”, he asked, an innocent smile on his face. He kept looking at Timor, and then sighed. ” We went to college together, but I guess you though the rest of us were below you. Didn’t even require our fucking attention did we?”, he got up and stared straight at Timor. ” Probably thought that we were a bunch of sorry losers. All except Lily Anguini. The only who you deemed worthy of attention.” He sat back down in his chair. ” I laughed so hard when she won the thesis award, because I knew you didn’t think she was anywhere close to your level. She played you like a damn fiddle and you were too stupid to realize it. Too obsessed with soothing your own ego I guess.”

Timor was quivering with rage. But he couldn’t do anything while handcuffed.

The man fumbled through his briefcase and took out a large binder. ” Interesting papers you’ve written. Some of them… I hate to admit, but I agree with some of them. Too bad you actually turned out to be a lunatic. Religion, Society, Government. You actually could have changed the world.”

Timor looked at him, but the man just sighed wistfully. He indicated at the guard standing near the exit to take him away. The guard unceremoniously brought him to his feet.

” Killing people who stand in your way is the sign of a dictator. And while some have gone on to change the world, their stories never end well.”

Timor had lost track of time. There was no window in his cell, so he could never tell if it was day or night. It may have been days, weeks , months., he did not know. He did not care. All he cared about was killing that man. That bloody cop who thought he was smart enough to give him a lecture. Damn it all! He did not know what to do. There was no way he could escape the prison cell. It was too well protected. And getting bail was out of the question. He scratched his arm, full of bruises he never knew he had. It was all his fault. He had seen the man once before and beaten him to an inch of his life. The only reason he had kept him alive was to beat him up again. But he had somehow escaped. If he ever saw him again…

And there he was. Right in front of him. Sleeping soundly without a care in the world. The anger within Timor boiled to the surface and erupted. He found a small rock that had broken off from the floor of the cell and held it over his head. He stood over the other, looking down at his face. And brought the rock down. Over and over again. The other struggled fiercely but Timor never stopped his onslaught.

” Why? WHY?! What did I ever do to you for you to destroy my life the way you did?! Are you happy now? Because I’ve…lost…everything!”, he punctuated every word with a blow. The other was in critical condition. Blood was gushing from his mouth. His body was covered in gashes and bruises from Timor’s attack. He slowly opened his mouth and said,

” It was your own fault.”

Timor brought the rock down on his arm, crushing it. The other screamed in agony. Timor was sure the guards had heard it this time. He needed somewhere to hide.

Somewhere he would be safe.

The door reappeared. The same door as before. Timor didn’t hesitate. He grabbed the other and opened the door yet again. The darknesshad grown. It blew past him like a gale of wind, swirling around him…embracing him and pulling himself into the other realm. He closed his eyes and accepted it. He and the other man went through the door as it slowly closed behind them. The door disappeared. A minute passed. Two minutes. Three minutes. After five minutes the door reappeared.

Out came Timor Vendredi, dead.

His body was covered in cuts and wounds. His arm had been crushed and there were multiple cracks in his skull.

The mangled body of one consumed by one’s own darkness.

We live in the world that we create.

#writing #depression #shortstory #psychological #narcissicism #power #Fiction